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 We're Not Your Uncle |
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"I had just come back from an outing into the city. My pickup was full of potatoes, my belly was full from all the good eats in town, and I was just takin' my time on the ole' road back to the house. The weather? Yeah, it had been rainin? earlier that day and the air still smelled wet and fresh. Muggy, but not too much - y'know? Anyhow, it was gettin' dark and I flicked on the high beams. No animals were about, and no birds. Pretty spooky, really. Anyhow, I was just coastin' along, listenin' to the sweet sounds of Neil Young on the radio, when in the distance I saw this bright light. It was bluey-red, and it was some ways off on the road. I thought it was a car at first, but then I saw how it was just one light, and it was too high off the ground. I started to get a little bit frightened like. I parked the car and got out for a better look. I thought - sure sure, it's gotta be some sort of freakin' UFO. I pulled my gun out from the back, and told my goddamn wife to shut her bleepin' hole. Yeah, course she was there. Think I'd let the woman get up to no good at the house? Once she was quiet, I stood out on the road with my gun, staring at this giant ball of glowing light. Now that it was closer, I could see weird sparks flying off it; it was about the size of a beach ball. It weren't givin' out too much heat or light, but it was sure as hell there. "I greet you," I said, "from the citizens of the planet earth!" But it just kept movin', kept floatin' along towards me. I could feel the hairs on my arms liftin' up. It was gettin' too close, and I was scared it'd ruin my pickup, so I aimed my gun and gave it a warning shot through the middle. Nothin' doin'... it just kept comin'. At that point I freaked out and started t'run away - I didn't want to get eaten by no frickin' martian. The wife tried to get outta the car, but I told her to shut her freakin' hole and stay put. She runs slow, y'see? Anyway, I ran off a bit, turned round, then - BOOM! The glowing ball is gone, the wife's gone, the pickup's just this little black crater on the ground... and it's rainin' french fries. I swear, it's just rainin' french fries. Those goddamn potatoes! I started to laugh and gathered the things up. Made for some fine fine eatin'."
-- Jim Crickey, 1983, (Hicksville, Saskatchewan)"When I saw ball lightning that night, I was scared crapless - it was the most frightening thing I had ever seen. And remember, you're talking to a guy who's seen Roseanne naked."
-- Tom Arnold, 1997 (Los Angeles, Washington)"This happened many, many years ago, during the Vietnam War. There I was just a walkin' down the street(signing 'do-wah-diddy-...) and there was this little guy dressed in orange robes ranting and raving about something or rather. I walk past him, then I hear this WHOOSH! I look back and he had burst into flames. I can't be sure, but I'm pretty sure it was ball lightning."
-- Stuart Kre, 1981 (Orlando, New Jersey)"It was a hot summers day when it happend. The wind was blowing and the birds were chirping. I was just relaxing on the deck at my cottage sipping on a Tangmonkey. Then suddenly the the wind stopped blowing the birds stoped chirping and the water whent calm. Several seconds later a masive bolt of lightning hit the center of the lake leaving a shiny blueish ball of lightning. It hoverd there for an instance then started tewards me picking up speed as it aproached. As it aproached the ball decreased in size by the time it was anywhere near me the ball fizzeled into nothingness. This happend to me in 1963. Seeing your site I racalled the incident and figured you might like to hear about it."
-- Sam Rytler, 1988 (Rejkjavik, Texas)"About three years ago I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was an alcoholic. I was addicted to just about any drug I could get my hands on. And my sexual practices were by no means sanitary. I was a struggling actor living in Hollywood California and I would often find myself lying on the floor of my one room appartment in a pool of my own vomit and urine, at five in the morning, strung out on some nutso smooch, and staring at the ceiling while a two-dollar whore gathers up her clothes. One day I was walking down the beach searching for my next hit, and maybe some skank for later. I past a few sun bathers pausing for a moment to ask for some change, and suddenly I saw this ball of glowing light. At first I just asssumed it was one of my regular hallucinations, but then I noticed it moving, coming closer even. I stopped walking and stood motionless, mesmerized by the glowing ball of fire which was coming nearer and nearer. I reached out to touch it, and felt it eat away at my skin, it was a painful feeling and yet it felt clensing at the same time. As each layer of skin was burnt from my hand it felt as if a worry I had was being burnt from my life. I stepped closer, and eventually I had emersed myself in the fire, feeling every worry every addiction, every problem melting from my life.
I awakened in the emergency room, alive but with tubes coming from just about every orafice of my body, wrapped in bandages, and on the waiting list for skin grafts on all parts of my body.
I eventually got the skin grafts and I can remember feeling like, as I was gaining new skin I was gaining a new life. Now my skin is fully replaced, I'm 31 months sober, I've been off the smooch since the incident, I've scored a secondary role in the newest FOX sitcom 'Roger Dodger,' and am slated to star in the second and third installments of the 'Man Without A Face' trilogy."
-- Lou Reiam, 1995 (Detroit, Prince Edward Island)
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