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 Pirates Have Got Nothin' On Us |
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"I was sitting in the park with my little baby, coo'ing to little Noah... my sweet little Noah... God, my Noah! Sorry- sorry, I just can't help myself. So I was just playing with... N- Noah... playing with Noah's little hands and... and his little feet. And- oh god, I can't- I'm sorry... and then this giant ball of fucking light appeared above his head. And it wasn't too hot or bright, but I yelped, backed up... and then... and then it lowered a bit, towards little Noah... and it melted his face! It just melted it off! Then- then Noah's body exploded... there was little Noah everywhere... and I- and... I... DAMN YOU, BALL LIGHTNING! YOU STOLE MY BABY! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"
-- Nancy Helmo, 1976 (Miami, Indiana)"The following is a re-enactment of an experience I had with my friend Francis. We were sitting on the couch in the basement last weekend looking for things to do:
ME I'm bored.
FRANCIS Me too.
ME What should we do?
FRANCIS I don't know.
ME Wanna play cards?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna play catch?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna watch tv?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna go for a bike ride?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna go have sex in the shed?
FRANCIS Okay {pop 'n drop}.
ME Wanna play Nintendo?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna make some prank phone calls?
FRANCIS No.
ME Wanna go eat some babies?
FRANCIS OK {pop 'n drop}
ME Wanna go swimming?
FRANCIS No
ME Wanna go play with blocks?
FRANCIS No
ME Wanna go watch paint dry?
FRANCIS Where?
ME I don't know we'll paint something and watch it dry.
FRANCIS No
Later...
ME Wanna put lit cigarettes in the microwave?
FRANCIS OK.
Francis followed me to the kitchen and Francis got out his smokes. we lit one and set the microwave for 2 minutes. We turned it on and holy shit, crazy shit started happening and all this crazy light and balls of fire and ... holy shit ... crazy shit ... shit ... damn. 'Was that ball lightning,' I said. 'yep' said Francis."
-- Charlie Hawkins, 1989 (Paris, Ohio)"It was the strangest birth I ever saw. Out popped the baby, the mother was screaming, and following it right through the birth canal was this egg-sized ball of glowing electricity. Boy, was I surprised."
-- Dr. Leslie Fragrances, 1991 (Boston, California)"I have a very important message to tell everyone. It's something that I think that needs to be said. So in order for everyone to really understand what I have to say, I'm going to write this very slowly. Years ago, I was walking in the woods, taking in the beauty nature has to give us. I was in a part of the woods where the squirels are very tame and I fed many of those cute little woodland creatures that day. Luckily, for me they felt at ease with me. Suddenly, I heard an explosion behind me. A tree blew up behind me and out burst a flaming ball of lightning. It hurled towards me cutting my knees out from under me. My lower legs burst into flames. I was in complete agony. You know that pain you feel when you nip yourself with your fly (girls, you'll just have to imagine)? Well, it was like that but only a hundred times worse. I though I was a gonner, but then I saw one of the squirrels I had been feeding earlier. I grabbed it with speed which can only be brought on by pain and adreneline. Without even thinking about it. I started beating the flames with the squirrel. I just kept hitting my legs repeatedly with that furry creature. Even after the fire went out I kept smashing that animal, which started me on a life long hobby (but that's another story). And now for the moral of this story, be nice to woodland animals because you'll never know when you can use them to put out ball lightning fires."
-- Ed Mondale, 1979 (Cleveland, Quebec)"One day I was making sandwiches in the kitchen. I had just pulled out some seven-grain bread, and I was chopping up some tomatoes and cucumber. Steven was out buying some newfangled fishing line or something, the kids were playing out in the yard. Every once in a while, I'd look up through the window to watch them. Sandy and Kimmy were kicking around a soccer ball with Jonas, the boy from next-door. Anyway, at this moment in particular, I was skinning some cucumbers, collecting all the shavings in a shallow dish. It was a special commemorative dish from the 1937 Chegua Olympics, and Steven had said it was worth quite a nice sum. Suddenly I heard some lovely spring laughter - louder than before - from the back, and I glanced out the window to see how the children were doing. There were Sandy and Kimmy and Jonas, but there was someone new playing soccer with them. I couldn't see the newcomer because of the way the new, salmon-toned bathroom creates an outcropping of the house, but I could see the ball as he kicked it back towards Sandy. I wasn't really worried, but I put down my knife and went out to see who this new friend was. Once I got outside, I was more than a little bit surprised. The kids' new friend wasn't a little boy or girl, it was a luminous ball of gas! The kids were giggling and having fun though, so I decided it was probably okay. Just as I got back to making the sandwiches though, I heard a scream. When I looked out the window, there was Jonas, the boy from next-door, with all of his skin melting off. Soon his hair caught fire and his torso exploded. Let me tell you, that was the last time I let MY children play with ball lightning!"
-- Cynthia Vale, 1998 (Toronto, South Carolina)"It came without warning. There I was just minding my own business in class, trying not to fall asleep, when all of a sudden, above my teacher's head was a ball of blue light. I'm not a superstitious guy, but I thought for a second that it was a ghost. If ever there was a need for Depends, it was then. This ball just hovered there for a while, slightly wavering back and forth. By this time the rest of the class had noticed it and some of them were in hysterics. The teacher was trying to keep everyone calm, but you could see it in his eyes, he was scared, really scared. Then the ball just dropped, it was there one instant and then the next it was falling faster than a bat out of hell. And then, every students dream came true. My teacher blew up. He was a flaming ball of flesh and bone. I got out school for the rest of the year for 'emotianal distress'. It was cool."
-- Gareth "Spaz" A-Hole, 1998 (Virginia, Alberta)
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